Let's get this started with a more serious post.
I have been battling depression since ... well, as far back as I can remember. It's sadly been a part of my life, my writing sometimes shows the serious side of my life. I started writing poetry when I was thirteen to try and combat the loneliness and broken feelings from the past. It slowly morphed into writing more and more, moving into short stories and full length novels.
I haven't been very well for so long, I've forgotten what started this and what it was like before I felt this way. I can remember a time when I was in elementary school before I was always sad, always searching for a higher meaning. It was before I was broken by the system, by people around me. When I was in the first and second grade, I remember being somewhat happy with a small group of friends. When I moved from the west side of the city to the east end, I lost touch with the friends I had made and tried to make friends at the new school I attended. That wasn't the plan, I guess.
I remember being at St. Volodymyr, that's where it started to fall apart. The kids there were not of the good kind, I truly believe the people there were somewhat evil, thriving off other's misery. I can tell you the first person I truly thought was an evil person, her name was Amanda Peppin. She was a girl in my grade that destroyed my trust in people, crushed any and all dreams I felt. She was a truly angry person who I think took out her frustrations on the world out on other people. She was the person who would be friends with you, learn your secrets and then use them against you. This is what she did to me.
I knew I liked boys early on, it probably started in second grade when I started to think of a friend of mine as more than a friend. When I moved to St. Volodymyr, I started to crush on another boy, his name was Kyle. I told this to Amanda, who kept it a secret for a total of maybe seven months, if even. When I had finally had enough of the catholic school system and how venomous and awful it was, I moved to a public school but the secret I kept followed me. And Amanda Peppin ruined my life.
She printed off every email we had with each other, printed off my life and my secrets and then she distributed that within the two schools. Everyone found out about me. Everyone found out about my secret. Maybe that's where the depression started. Or maybe I was just living with it for so long, I didn't realize I had it.
High school was when I really started writing because even though I had left behind everyone from my old schools, I still fought with people over my sexuality. It helped me cope with the fact I was one, if not the only, out gay kid in my high school. It was a lot to bear, and although I had a few more friends than before, I still found myself in a state of despair.
Writing with depression has helped me in ways though, it's helped me create realistic characters that want the best for many and not just themselves. One critic I can think of off the top of my head about my writing is the utopia I have created for gay characters within my writing. There's not a lot of hatred in my writing, although the world is full of evil people who choose to be evil to minorities. I can't find it to write characters or situations that are part of that world, I want to believe in a world where there's more good than bad.
Would I choose to be depressed to write my characters the same way? That would be an obvious no. I would rather be able to be a happy person who can stand not hating oneself for more than a day. Maybe one day I'll find my happy place, for now I will continue the course I'm on, trying to find that place.
Question Time: Do you have depression? If so, how do you cope with every day actions? Do you find your writing is impacted by your state of mind? I'd love to hear your feedback on this issue, whether it be negative or positive, even neutral.